Review: Loirien Mara, Kenya

This is a tale of two halves; the best of times, worst of times. Loirien Mara is, right now, the best property for being properly, directly in the Mara. The Mara, right now, is one of the worst places on earth to go on safari. Let’s get into it.

Getting there

Even though I arrived on a private charter, which means landing as close to the lodge as physically possible, this is the Mara and it likes to get its claws in early and ruin your day. In other words, it was still a 40-minute drive to the villa from the airstrip. And on that airstrip, an army of vehicles waits, one from every other lodge in the vicinity, lined up like it’s a taxi rank outside a nightclub at closing time and you’re going home with tonight’s prize: gonorrhoea. Welcome to the Mara.

But let me not downplay it: the Mara is a famous beast, and famous for good reason. In just that first drive to the lodge, there are so many animals around that you could be forgiven for mistaking this for a wonderful place. That was the past, though. Don’t be fooled.

Setting

Loirien Mara sits on a private concession. Oh, but you just told us the Mara sucked, Tom? Now what say you? Well, hold your bloody horses. I’m getting there. First, let me explain that it’s right next to Angama Mara. The view isn’t quite Angama-great — trees get in the way of some of it, and it’s set further back — but it’s still a very, very good view. And, like Angama, with Loirien being so high-up, what goes must come down. You’ve signed yourself up for a forty-minute drive, each way, every day. You absolute idiot, you.

But, we’re talking under 1,000 acres of private concession, so for most of your stay you’re really just in the Mara Triangle, which we can all universally say together. Ok, ready? Say it with me: “the Mara Triangle is the devil incarnate”. And whilst I’ve written about this, many, many times, let me just briefly summarise why, and you can decide if it bothers you. After all, some people out there actually enjoy watching the England football team, so there’s a flavour of torture out there for everyone.

So: the Mara Triangle. It’s meant to be the exclusive alternative to the main reserve, but sightings still play out like a monster truck festival with wildlife attached. And more screaming, but that’s mostly me. If you spot something worth seeing, within minutes you’ve got rangers, a dozen vehicles, and the very real possibility of being moved on from your own sighting. The no-off-roading rule doesn’t help matters either; I would have had a more intimate connection with nature by just watching YouTube wildlife videos, taken on a Nokia 3310.

And for all the new rules and restrictions, none of it feels like it’s fixed the problem. In fact, every time I return, somehow it gets worse. Basically, everything great about Loirien — the rhino sanctuary, the off-roading, the total absence of other vehicles — happens away from the Triangle.

Facilities

Now, back to the lodge itself.

There’s three villas, each taken on an exclusive use basis. In that regard, it’s kinda like a more humble version of Cheetah Plains. Loirien Mara is the flagship, a three-bedroom, and the one I stayed in, because I’m worthy. The other two are two-bedrooms — commercial builds, versus Loirien Mara being the owner’s house. Like most of these properties, it was someone’s home, and since converted into a commercial property. It explains why the rooms are fooking gigantic.

By most normal safari standards, those two bedrooms are impressive, with a big living space, kitchen/bar, heated pool, proper garden. But because I saw the main villa first, walking into the two-beds felt like RSVP’ing to an orgy, and discovering you’re actually the guy on the door with the guest list. Perspective is everything.

Back in Loirien Mara, the first impressions are certainly not wow. The building looks truly hideous from the outside, like the architect decided to give it to his dog to have a crack at it. If the purpose was to make sure anyone walking past didn’t want to burgle it, then good job. But almost immediately, they throw those views at you, and then as you enter and explore, it becomes abundantly clear that there’s a lot to like.

They’ve thrown a lot at this place: bar room, a massive office, TV/games room, and a main space split between dining table, living area, and staff kitchen behind it. And a wine room – sure, why not? Which safari lodge doesn’t have its own dedicated wine tasting room?

Outside, there’s a rooftop spot for sundowners — solid, if a little uninspired; something more Wild Hill-esque, yoga-adjacent, would’ve elevated it. A big shade tree with a hanging sofa. A watering hole. Seating right on the edge of the cliff. And a swimming pool that’s mighty impressive, but completely undercut by the fact you need a ranger to walk you down to it, on account of the animals. That was a first for me.

It’s not hugely spread out and completely overwhelming like some other exclusive-use properties. It’s a good size, but feels pretty modest, say, compared to Sirai House. There’s no spa or gym, although they do offer in-room treatments, and the master bedroom has a sauna and steam room besides it. So it kinda has one. They say there are “plans” for both, plus a pool by the house, but we all know that until someone is cutting a ribbon and opening it, with an authenticated Associated Press photographer there, none of that means anything.

I got a lovely in-room massage regardless — decent reflexology, good head work — done on a chair already in the room, which felt rather low-end. The therapist ended treatments with the abruptness of someone who’s left the stove on.

Accommodation

The layout of Loirien works well, with all the rooms down a corridor that can be shut off, so everything is designed with privacy in mind. There’s this kinda buffer zone between the two rooms and the Master that also houses a TV/games room and an office. Of the three bedrooms, all of them face out onto the view and have a large, shaded outdoor seating space, whilst two are identical, each with a little desk area and a chair in the corner. This place is unlikely to be for two families sharing or groups, cos whoever gets the master bedroom will mock you for the rest of your worthless lives.

Then you reach the Master, and it’s clear someone had something to prove or was overcompensating. It is enormous. A wardrobe area that has to be seen to be believed. The only bath on the property. An absurdly large bedroom that comes with its own built-in living area — an L-shaped sofa, comfy chairs, another sofa behind the bed, and yet more seating outside behind the bed. Floor-to-near-ceiling curtains that channel Arijiju. You could, quite comfortably, live out the rest of your days in this room. Air-con works hard and works well, if a touch loud for something built into the wall rather than one of those ugly external units. The design overall isn’t “very Africa” — it’s something else entirely — but it’s easy on the eye.

A few gripes: a plug socket in the bedside drawer that no actual plug can fit into, the usual assault of light switches (though mercifully none control the lamps), and a router blinking yellow on the ceiling like it’s trying to communicate something urgent, forever.

Service

Immediately as I arrived, I was introduced to a dedicated butler, who gave me the ominous words of “I remember you”. Uh oh! What did I do wrong now? It was from Lengishu. Phew. I was on my best behaviour there, it was not, in fact, an accusation.

The service here is just lovely. It might not have that infinitely joyful management team of say Wild Hill or Arijiju, but it’s one of those places where just everything is taken care of, and you have absolute faith in it, and they still manage to surprise. The room setup and preferences were absolutely spot on. A handwritten note by the bed each night, recapping the day, always signed off with a “Sleep Easy.” Coming back from activities, the usual cold towel routine gets a lift from actual variety — an ice lolly rather than the standard juice. Small, well-judged touches throughout: noticing what I’d plugged in and quietly supplying the right adapter, cleaning my room at 6am on the final morning while I was at breakfast rather than making me wait around.

I would just say the tablet-based menu system saves paper but feels a bit clunky in practice.

Food

They cracked something that usually annoys me: rather than just serving you whatever, they walked me through the lunch and dinner menu on arrival and let me adjust it. Perfecto. Being asked to pick your smoothie and hot drink the night before is also a nice touch.

Lunch was family-style, with the usual “enough to feed several families” style that safari is infamous for. Actually, this one wasn’t too excessive and hit the sweet spot. Every meal came with a different local bread, and they were all bloody brilliant – the pastry chef knows what they’re doing. Dinner was the more traditional three courses, which again always felt more restrained and suitable for long days of sitting on your arse and doing nothing. There’s real creativity in that kitchen — dishes I hadn’t had before, not just the usual safari rotation. (Insert obligatory vegetable joke here.)

Activities

Mountain biking, ballooning, a conservancy walk, a visit to the farm. The car comes stocked with water and cordial already mixed, plus a fridge. Good fellas, all round.

The standout: the rhino sanctuary, a few minutes’ walk from the lodge, where I met Julius the giraffe, stroked an eland, and saw plenty of rhinos. Absolutely wild. Julius deserves a mention; he’s an orphan they took in at two weeks old after his mother died on an electric fence, now six months old and, by all accounts, an absolute menace/shit stirrer. A few weeks back he wanted attention, didn’t get it, so spooked the rhinos into charging people out of spite. Another time he waited for one rhino to mount another and jumped in between them as the ultimate cockblock. A giraffe who stirs shit for fun is, genuinely, one of the best things I’ve ever heard. He’s the son I never had.

The park though. I’ve not mentioned the Mara in a while, so let’s have at it.

Still, there are an absolute abundance of animals around. Also saw wild cats for the first time, which was great. But it completely threw me when my guide, James, (excellent guide), didn’t even carry a radio. Until I realised all a radio would do out there is direct you toward a sighting fifteen vehicles deep.

You have to be back at the lodge by 6pm. You cannot leave before 6am. What kinda loser only goes out on safari for 12 hours a day?! This is where somewhere like Mara Plains really shines, as you get in your car and boom, you’re right in the thick of the action. Here, there are tickets and all kinds of bureaucratic bullshit that take up time every day. At this rate, they’ll want a stool sample at the gate next time I go back.

So, let me repeat my point from earlier. I do get it: plenty of people arrive on their first safari with nothing to compare it to, and plenty just want to see the animals, not photograph them — for those guests, this delivers exactly what they need. But just to give one example of many, when we were searching for cheetah, the no-off-roading rule is maddening — even by chance of a miracle you spot them in the long grass, you’ll never actually get close. We did eventually find three, which I will not deny is very cool, but everyone else was rushing there within minutes too, and we didn’t even announce it – just a vehicle sat there, and everyone gets interested and comes to see why, then suddenly it’s on their radio.

The Good

• Facilities
• It’s still the Mara

The Bad

• It’s still the Mara
• Weird swimming pool situation

The Luxurious

• Service
• Food
• Accommodation
• Views
• Rhino sanctuary

Conclusion

So, broadly, the overall experience is what I expected going in, but Loirien Mara is better — I really didn’t think the villa itself would be this good, especially based on the rather vague/useless website. It’s still not an entire “wow” property, in the same way that places like Arijiju, Wild Hill, Sirai House, Kubili House are. And I could go on. But it’s a great property, lovely service, food, facilities, views. I arrived, I had the singing, I walked in, I was impressed. I know, I know, it sounds nonsense, but it is truly something to behold when you get that view, in this sense of luxury.

But then there’s the Mara, doing its best to suck the joy out of the experience.

So as a travel agent, you may not care of the Mara downsides and I can recommend. As the guy writing this review, it deeply bothers me and removes all the joy I find in safari.

I can’t tell if this place is heading toward getting better or worse. On one hand, the private concession and rhino sanctuary both are set to expand, which would mean more time on-property and less time fighting the park. On the other, the park itself seems intent on enshittifying — more rules, more crowds, more desire for me to go elsewhere.

So I think Loirien has done everything it can. It’s now over to the Mara to seal the deal.