Hello Soneva/Darkness, my old friend

As 2024 winds down, one final trip looms on the horizon—one last opportunity for redemption.  I’ve already revised my stance on the now-excellent Miavana, but an even greater nemesis awaits: Soneva.  Specifically, Soneva Jani.

Yes, I know it’s hard to comprehend, but I am returning to the Maldives.  I get it; you come to this blog thinking, “I’m sure today is the day he will review that Premier Inn in Bognor Regis,” but alas, I’m trying something new this time.  It’s back to the Maldives for the tenth thousandth time.

Our final trip consists of only two new properties, mostly because I’ve almost been everywhere the Maldives offers: Gili Lankanfushi and the newly opened Soneva Secret.  On top of that, we return to the formidable Soneva Jani, and as it’s only a short boat ride from there to Cheval Blanc Randheli and Velaa, it felt rude not to go back.  Will I bore you with yet another review of these properties?  Let’s not kid ourselves—you’ll be subjected to my opinions on these until the day I die.  I fully expect you to read them on your deathbed, ideally accompanied by a reverse mortgage ad that I also star in and suggest spending your windfall on a trip to either property.

So far, I’ve been semi-impressed by Soneva.  I’ve received “welcome back” emails from the team, along with notes on preferences.  Weirdly, Soneva Secret has no preferences, so not everything is perfect, but it’s not like I’m going to nitpick and highlight these things, is it?

Quick side note: I’m not heading into this trip with the express purpose of loathing everything.  My expectations are neutral at best, hovering somewhere between negative and very negative.  Still, does anyone else get annoyed when asked to download an app for a hotel?  I don’t want to download the Soneva Jani app.  I don’t want to download anything onto my phone to “enhance my experience” in a hotel.  I know I will sound like an old man shouting at clouds saying this, but I did set up a tech company, know how to code, and have spent far too much of my life working on apps.  I just don’t see the need for tech to be the answer to a non-existent problem.

So stay tuned.  Last time they offered me a free stay not to write my review.  Hopefully they’ve upped their game and that isn’t required.  But if it is, and management are reading this, I’m particularly keen on a new Porsche 911 GT3 RS.