Laucala Is Taking a Gap Year

Laucala isn’t just any private island — it’s where billionaires go to escape other billionaires.  Founded by Red Bull co-founder Dietrich Mateschitz, Laucaia is made up of 25 villas spread across 3,500 acres, a golf course, a farm, a fleet of horses, and a near-unlimited supply of Red Bull.  It delivers an experience that feels vaguely illegal.  It’s one of the world’s best resorts, and easily one of the most unique.  There is also no way it will ever make money, which for some reason makes me like it even more.

But it hasn’t seen a significant overhaul since its opening in 2008.  While nothing at Laucala has ever looked like it’s about to fall to pieces, it’s stylistically as dated as a CD player that somehow got infected with the Millennium Bug.

So, what could be better than knowing that Laucala is officially closing its doors for almost all of 2026, with a planned reopening in time for festive?  I’ll tell you what.  Cos last time someone promised me a refurb, I returned to find a few new cushions and a lot of repressed shame.  But this time, we’re being promised something far more substantial: major upgrades, new facilities, villas properly spruced up — the works.  And if we all come together as a species, maybe, just maybe, we can defeat the scourge of modern society, the shadow that’s loomed over us since the great reckoning of 2019.  Yes, I’m talking about when Laucala got rid of its submarine.  Ok, fine, water was apparently leaking into it while a guest was inside.  But let’s not let minor details like facts, liability, or basic health and safety stand in the way of collective joy.

How about Mark Mateschitz, the owner, the god-chiselled sex machine; the divine among us mere mortals.  The one who is almost certainly reading this.  Yes, you, oh wise, fearless, massively endowed (aka The Girthmonster), and certain future “World’s Sexiest Man”.  I’m sure someone as smart as you — someone who can count to infinity plus one, solve a Rubik’s Cube with nothing but your dreamy, weaponised eyes, and become the first human ever to win a debate, followed by an apology, from a Twitter troll — wouldn’t hesitate to make the only logical decision left: bring back the submarine.

What would I change?

Here’s my completely reasonable, not-at-all-demanding wish list for what I’d love to see Laucala tackle during its closure.

Completely modernise the rooms.  They look a bit meh.  Especially compared to newer additions, like Kisawa, Miavana, Soneva Secret, and definitely the upcoming Fregate.  They also have a lighting system that looks like Escher designed it as a collaboration with The Blair Witch.  Laucala’s villas currently offer a massive amount of space and privacy, but that’s all they have going for them.

And definitely make the rooms lighter, it’s like staring at a black mantelpiece that fell into a black hole, which homes the tormented, darkened soul of Lucifer.

And whilst we’re talking about the rooms, kudos for all the outdoor space, but there’s no one, single, amazing place to hang around.  The cushion by the pool is only good for two things: passing out, or slowly euthanising your 70-year-old dad by leaving him stranded and unable to get up again.  We spent far too long in the indoor living room, which is a place so devoid of light that it could double as a sensory deprivation chamber.  Once again, go see Soneva Secret or Kisawa for how to do this.

Heated pools.  I’d ask for this regardless, but most people probably don’t realise that Fiji during the dry season is not all that warm, like 23C-27C.  That ain’t heating any pools.  The only way you’re staying warm is by pissing yourself.  And I already tried that.

Toto washlets.  Don’t give me that crap (pun very much intended) that it’s not Fijian authentic.  I don’t think the original settlers had jet skis either.  You’re one direct flight from Tokyo; they could all be there in 9 hours.  It’s like the gods of butt cheeks have blessed you.

Rebuild the gym – they’re doing this, so big tick.

But whilst you’re rebuilding the gym, don’t get obsessed with TechnoGym.  Their bikes suck.  I truly hate them.  Sure, go all out on Technogym for everything else, live the dream every hotel seems contractually obligated to pursue, but for all things sweaty and holy, add a Peloton bike.

Pull down the Lounge and completely rethink it.  I like the concept, very much don’t like the implementation.  Apparently, they’re doing this too.

Whilst everyone is off the island, nuke it so that all the mosquitoes are wiped out.  Sure, it’ll be like an extended episode of Chernobyl when we return in 2027, but that TV series won lots of awards, so it must be a good idea.

New kids club.  I get their belief that the kids should be out playing, and they do a great job of looking after them.  But that doesn’t mean the current kids club has to look like a building condemned by a priest and previously occupied by a haunted clown.

Did I mention the submarine?

Conclusion

The luxury market is just turning into one massive bundle of joy.  Or maybe I’m just approaching 40 and have been visiting these places for over 15 years, so I get to experience the cycle all over again.

With Fregate finally set to reopen after its epic rebuild, that just leaves you, North Island.  We’re all watching.  And, of course, you, Velaa, for the rooms.  Make Daddy happy.  Although Velaa is shutting this September for a big kids club upgrade, so they’re never standing still.

There are plenty of details on what else is coming, but I’ll let Laucala do the talking.  For now, let’s all bookmark it for festive 2026*, because no hotel has ever opened late.

* ok make that 2027.  Ok, let’s play it safe with 2028.