Four Seasons Hampshire 
Room type: Manor Room
Duration: 23rd > 25th February, 2020

  • This is like the LGBTQ of the luxury world, as everyone is welcome – including coronavirus, assuming I read it properly

If ever there was a hotel that symbolises how inclusive the world is, it’s Four Seasons Hampshire.  Everyone is welcome: your dog, your children and even the coronavirus.  Until now, I have never been to a hotel where not having children was the abnormal.  I would not be surprised if I’m automatically on a sex register list, just by coming here without any offspring.

Yet children are the future, as a esteemed philosopher once said, so that is not the focus of this review.

You will have to excuse the lack of photos, for my performance is deeply impacted by the weather.  Some get Seasonal Affective Disorder, I get Can’t Be Arsed to Photograph When it’s as Miserable as a Brexit Parade.

  • Arrival
    • Someone outside that took and parked our car and grabbed all the luggage 
  • Stay List
    • Tea and coffee machine on table, which looked cheap
    • Pastries on a tray, like afternoon tea style
  • Room
    • Much more “traditional”, which to me just feels old
    • The AC sounds like it was built with the house; the tech is all so old, such as the telephones and the AC controls
    • Asprey toiletries 
    • Lovely rivers for sale in spa, crappy ones in room 
    • Has its own wardrobe room
    • £10 for renting movies
  • Food
    • Arrived at 4 and only option was bar food, consisting of one page of salads, sandwiches and small bites. Prices about 20% less than Langley. Decent food – I enjoyed my chicken sandwich and fried chicken wings 
    • Breakfast buffet has good choice of cheese, eggs, cereal, pastries and ability to make your own English. Sadly the quality didn’t match the variety 
    • 10 choices a la carte, including full English, pancakes, porridge and avocado on toast 
    • Lunch had only 3 starters, mains and desserts – incredibly basic
    • Ordered lunch and half of it (the lower half) of the Shepherds pie was cold
  • Service
    • They would approach our table and use our names 
    • Can be very slow to get anything, especially to the room
  • Spa
    • Stinks of chlorine when you enter 
    • Lots of free classes at the gym 
    • Beautiful spa boutique with some very nice cashmere blankets and gowns 
    • Felt the need to take off my wedding ring due to the chlorine, so FS is now responsible for my infidelity 
    • Changing rooms are massive and give a scale of how busy it can be; each sex has sauna, steam, “lifestyle shower” and relaxation room, but none of it feels high end
    • Main pool that’s connected to hydrotherapy pool, which has a trainer shouting instructions and swimming lanes. Doesn’t feel relaxing. Sauna and steam room here 
    • Children everywhere in the main pool, even though they have their, rather impressive, own pool area 
    • The outdoor hydrotherapy pool is cold – so pointless. I cannot recall ever seeing one so cold anywhere 
    • Warm at the main pool, but even warmer by the kids
    • Pool open to kids Mon-Fri 4-7pm; Sat-Sun: 8-10am and 4-7pm
    • Reception packed with ladies of leisure filling out forms and the conveyor belt nature of the treatment proved that, even if Lucie said the treatment itself was good. It seems to cover the entire local area and they use it as a base, proven by some of the free classes being full 
  • Facilities 
    • Walk to reception made me think the hotels has had better days
    • Bar and restaurant on lower level in new wing – both very elegant, but quite large 
    • Cafe at spa
    • Afternoon tea room 
    • Sitting area near reception 
    • Internet 10 down/20 up
  • Review
    • Every room is dog friendly 
    • Incredibly family friendly – more so than any other property I can think of, especially as a lot don’t even allow children. Even at 6pm the pool was full of children in the loungers 
    • We saw one of their signature suites to move to it and it contained an extra living room and absolutely nothing of merit to move 
    • It’s so family friendly that I’m probably on a sex register list for coming here without one 
    • This is a place to be active or with your family, not to relax 
    • This is like the LGBTQ of the luxury world, as everyone is welcome – including coronavirus, assuming I read it properly
    • Price wise, actually very reasonable for everything, except the better suites 

The Good

The Bad

The Luxurious

Conclusion

Last week it was The Langley; this it’s Four Seasons Hampshire.  My quest for the perfect English countryside property continues in vain.

Tom Cahalan

Written by Tom Cahalan

Dorsia Travel’s co-founder Tom Cahalan’s take on travel is reliably candid. Here’s his take on what’s good, bad, and luxurious.

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