Review: The Lana, Dubai

They say it’s hard to reinvent yourself.  A reputation can take a lifetime to build—or dismantle—but Dorchester seems determined to rewrite the narrative in record time.  Not content with just overhauling The Dorchester in London—where the refurbishment is so extensive it’s basically had a personality transplant—they’ve somehow turned it into one of London’s best hotels, a feat that would’ve seemed laughably improbable just a few years ago.  Now they’ve ventured into new territory with their first hotel in the Middle East: The Lana, where they’re attempting to redefine understated luxury in Dubai, the global capital of “more is more, and then let’s add some gold… and another fountain.”

Getting there

We arrived from Atlantis The Royal, a 30-minute drive, though from the airport, it’s barely 20 minutes.  First impressions were seamless: offered a seat, handed a complimentary drink, introduced to the manager, and then whisked straight to the suite.  Already better than Atlantis The Royal.  Already a place that feels like luxury might be a consideration.  Already widely out of sync with too many hotspots in Dubai.

Setting

The Lana is what happens when Dubai finally embraces the concept of restraint.  And yet still it’s an architectural marvel.  This 30-story structure sits in the downtown area and goes for something so anti-Dubai, it feels rebellious—no gold-plated excess, no Swarovski-encrusted toilet.  Losers.  If anything, it leans closer to Bulgari Rome, where every detail feels obsessively considered.  The interiors prove that luxury doesn’t need to be so obvious they punch you in the face and lick your eyeballs.

This property is just undeniably elegant.  It’s a place to relax, rather than a place to be seen.  A place where the lobby is designed to greet guests, not tourists.  A place to come for afternoon tea with a pianist playing in the background, stroll down to the patisserie for something indulgent, or dine al fresco on terraces designed for quiet conversation, not spectacle.

But if you do venture outside, the illusion is somewhat ruined.  The biggest issue with The Lana is that it is down town.  Open the balcony doors and you’re instantly reminded that you are in a city—traffic noise drifts up like the smell of sewage in New York.  An old-school Aman this is not.  The hotel is also currently flanked by construction—one project directly in front, another Dorchester residence going up to the side. It didn’t impact the stay, but it’s worth knowing if case you were expecting some alternate reality where Dubai isn’t perpetually under construction.

Facilities

At the top, the 30th floor houses two infinity pools, a bar, and an indoor lounge area.  It’s a great spot for a drink and some leisurely sunbathing, though the atmosphere felt a bit sterile—even by my standards, which are such that I consider a rave tapping my foot under a desk to Mozart.  Naturally, the views are dominated by the Burj Khalifa, because this is Dubai, and there’s no escaping it.

One floor below, on the 29th, sits the Dior Spa, because of course it is.  Which begs the question: what exactly is luxury?  Is it about the actual experience, or just the ability to charge more because the cushions have a Dior pattern?  But then I remember I’m in Dubai, where slapping a logo on something instantly makes it more desirable, so let’s move on.  The spa itself is small, just five treatment rooms, one of which offers an infrared thermal bed treatment, but there are no actual spa facilities—no saunas, no steam rooms, just treatments.  The space is, however, beautifully designed, with long, mirrored corridors that evoke a Cheval Blanc St-Tropez feel.  

Also on the 29th floor, you’ll find the gym, which is exactly what it should be: floor-to-ceiling glass windows framing impressive city views and every piece of TechnoGym equipment you could possibly need.  And then there are the Dior-branded 1kg dumbbells you absolutely don’t.

Downstairs, the lobby and outdoor terrace offer a stylish yet relaxed space to linger, drink in hand, while appreciating the meticulous aesthetic.  It’s refined without feeling sterile, luxurious without trying too hard—something The Lana manages to pull off exceptionally well.

Rooms

For a 225-room hotel, The Lana somehow manages to feel surprisingly intimate—likely because they keep occupancy low to maintain service standards.  Or so they say.

We stayed in a Marina Sky Suite (#2802) on the 28th floor, which has a guest toilet by the entrance, a small bedroom (just big enough to squeeze in an extra single bed for our daughter), and a large wardrobe room between the bedroom and bathroom.  The living area opens onto a balcony that stretches across the entire suite, which, aside from offering great views, also gives you the opportunity to pretend to be a ghost and scare the shit outta your children at night.

The bathroom itself is narrow, but still manages to fit a double vanity, a bathtub, and a floor-to-ceiling window at the end—a nice touch, except for the two days when the bath tap spewed out dirty brown water, which was less nice.  The Toto toilet is present, but only in the master bathroom, because guests are barbarians and should use their hands.  But then there’s the bathroom door, which continues the deeply stupid hotel trend of being almost see-through.

Design-wise, everything is thoughtfully laid out, with easy-to-use light switches and curtain controls right by the bed.  There’s an iPad to control everything, but as is standard, it doesn’t actually work, meaning you’ll inevitably end up calling to place your room service order like it’s the 80s.  And while the interiors are sleek and refined, soundproofing is tragically absent when it comes to the idiots revving their Ferraris at midnight—a true Dubai special.

We also checked out the Lana Suite, which was properly impressive—a long, light-filled space with a dining and living area that felt grand, along with a separate TV room.  That is my recommendation for a starting room category.

So, yes—some things need fixing.  But the design?  Stunning.  The sewage system?  Less so.

Food

Whilst there are three restaurants and a cafe, we only had the chance to try Riviera by Jean Imbert and Bonbon Café by Angelo Musa, both of which were excellent.  Riviera, located on the fourth floor, offers Mediterranean-inspired dishes in a bright, airy setting, including an outside terrace.  Food was wonderful, and surprisingly, very reasonably priced.  Room service was also excellent.

Bonbon, found on the ground floor, serves exactly what you’d expect—beautifully crafted desserts and pastries that somehow make it socially acceptable to eat cake for breakfast.  Speaking of breakfast, there’s no buffet, which is a sign that we’re in a serious hotel, but I’m not a serious person, so to them I say: boooo.  What they do offer is delicious pastries and proper hot chocolate, which somewhat softens the blow.  However, portions were, let’s say, delicate.  My “large bowl of Greek yogurt” arrived looking like the tiny remnants you lick off the lid of the container, and the fruit platter was thrown together with the presentation effort of a someone on their last day of work.

There’s also Jara by Martín Berasategui, on the 18th floor, the UAE’s first Basque restaurant, featuring wood-fired cooking, while High Society, perched on the rooftop, offers light, casual cuisine alongside the infinity pool.

Service

The Lana gets a lot right when it comes to service, and while it’s a major improvement on Atlantis The Royal, that’s a pretty low bar.  The best moments were genuinely thoughtful—on arrival, we were met by the Director of Rooms, and throughout the stay, we were frequently addressed by name around the property.  Some staff even remembered our room number when we showed up at restaurants, though that’s probably because we were the only people with kids in the hotel.

Speaking of kids, the room setup was lovely—balloons, a “Happy Birthday” sign for Isabelle, to celebrate her belated birthday, as well as a cake and some chocolates for the kids.  They went and bought us Tempur pillows, which in itself is commend worthy, but move over as the welcome cake has a thing to say.  Oh, the welcome cake, a work of art—not visually, but in how it felt in my mouth.  Whoever put that cake in our room: I both hate you and love you.  I had to eat it all. I would have locked myself in the toilet and eaten it all in secret, but they would have still been able to see me.  Truly one of the best cakes I’ve ever had.

Then there’s housekeeping, which was… keen.  Very keen.  One night, they knocked at 22:20 to see if we needed anything.  The next night they decided to dial it down and only come at 21:55.  This wasn’t a one-off.  This was a pattern.  This was sabotage.  Meanwhile, we were assigned a butler, but when we politely said we wouldn’t be needing them at check-in, they took that as a lifetime ban—never saw or heard from them again.

Some staff really stood out—Josh, the breakfast waiter, who was excellent, the housekeeper who even cleaned our strollers, and a spa staff member who brought cookies for the kids.  These little moments make a difference.  But overall?  Service still needs refinement.  Some requests were handled seamlessly, others required multiple follow-ups, and sometimes, they just didn’t happen at all.  It’s the kind of inconsistency that holds The Lana back from being truly great.  That and their departure gifts, when they gave a pair of shoes with my initials on them whilst Lucie stood there empty handed.  Not my fault I’m such an internationally recognised stud.

Kids Friendly

No kids’ club, no real spaces designed for little ones—because this isn’t a resort, it’s a city hotel.  And honestly, that’s fine.  The 30th-floor pools are lovely, but they’re infinity pools, which means you’ll spend the entire time hovering like a paranoid lifeguard rather than actually relaxing.  Plus, the overall vibe is calm, elegant, and very much designed for adults, so letting your kids run around here would make you feel like a right dick.

But that’s a conscious decision on The Lana’s part, and fair enough—not every hotel needs to be child-friendly.  It’s not like they spat in their faces during meal times, they had all the cutlery and looked after them, but they felt a tad out of place, seeing they were the only children at the hotel.  So if you’re traveling with kids here, then welcome, it means you too are insane.

The Good

• Service
• Food
• Rooms
• Gym

The Bad

• Location

The Luxurious

• Design

Conclusion

The Lana is my kinda place—understated, elegant, and run by people who actually seem to care.  The level of recognition was impressive, with staff remembering us from day one, right down to the housekeepers.  Dining was actually relaxing, without the usual “eat, pay, and get the fuck out” energy you get at most Atlantis restaurants.

That said, let’s be real—this is a very nice city hotel, but it’s not revolutionary.  If you dropped it into London or Paris, it wouldn’t stand out.  So World’s 50 Best Hotels?  Once again, bullshit.  The key word here is potential.  The place has a polished, thoughtfully crafted feel, and as far as city hotels in Dubai go, it’s probably the best.  But service still needs a bit of work.  And I’d appreciate a bath without having a reunion with what I flushed ten minutes earlier.