The best things in life are free, they said. Get out of the city and enjoy the fresh, country air, they said. Well to them I say: you have never been to Gora Kadan.
Gora Kadan, Hakone, Japan
Room type: Jacuzzi Suite
Duration: 11th -> 12th September
Booked with: AMEX FHR
To understand Gora Kadan, one must become Gora Kadan. No, I’m kidding. There is little that needs to be understood about this place, other than to know that this review will tell you everything you need to know. Spoiler alert: it’s awful.
I hated Gora Kadan. I hated the poor communication, where they would not come pick us up from the train station, even though we were only 5 minutes away. I hated the room. I hated the beds on the floor. I hated the food. I hated the odour that smelt like an old persons home. I hated the military timing of eating. I hated the spa. I hated the price. I hated the reminders that we had to be gone by 11am and most importantly I hated myself for booking it.
You’ll forgive me for the lack of photographs, for I was too busy carrying all our luggage to the hotel to be able to manage it.
This is the best part of Gora Kadan. When you arrive you will still remember what happiness is. The sky will be bright blue, babies will be smiling and world peace will be within grasp. What more could you ask for, after a 40 minute scenic train ride from Odawara? Well unfortunately, unlike England, the train didn’t break down and we actually arrived. That would have made the trip infinitely better.
Every visit to a 5 star hotel begins with that moment of awe. “How will they amaze me?”, you may ask. You walk through the hotel and get introduced to your new home. Gosh, isn’t it just great? NO! It’s not! Have you not been reading so far? Gora Kadan is where murderers should be sent as punishment. This will become my legacy and will single handedly turn murder into a Minority Report era of paradise, all warm, cosy and murder free.
- The rooms smelt like a wet rag that survived the American civil war
- The bath was decaying in front of my eyes. You could feel parts of it coming off in your hands whilst you were in it.
- The most comfortable place was sitting outside or curling up into the foetal position and pretending you don’t exist.
- Next time I try an authentic experience that costs £850/n, I’ll remember to bring a sleeping blanket. I looked up ‘authentic’ to see if it was a synonym for cheap, rubbish or a polite way of saying ripoff. Apparently not.
At 6am I was woken up by an earthquake. My partner, having grown up in an earthquake area, sprang into survival instinct and rushed for cover, I just lay there and knew that if the ceiling caved in then at least I wouldn’t have to spend anymore time in Gora Kadan. This was the most relaxed I had been since arriving.
The swimming pool and gym closed at 7pm. Food must be served between 6 and 7pm. Breakfast must be between 8 and 9am. Was I in boot camp by mistake? My GPS told me no, but my eyes said otherwise.
Other areas include:
- Hot baths
- Spa – we didn’t try, as they’d likely have crippled me for life.
- Outdoor seating areas
The amenities are one of the highlights of Gora Kadan, from the fact that if you’re enjoying them then you’re not in your room. They also remind you of an outdoors, so you’re comforted by knowing escape is possible.
6, 6:30 or 7pm. Take your pick out of these fine selection of times. Either one is available, just for you, to experience the fine dining of Gora Kadan, all included in the price. A true delight, a real bargain, a thing of beauty. None of these will be used to describe the food on offer. No, instead we found ourselves eating only about 20% of what was available on their set menu. No questions regarding allergies or food preferences at any stage, simply a menu presented and the food started arriving.
But what about breakfast, you may ask. Well lucky days, as you can choose between 8, 8:30 and 9am. They even let you choose which eggs you want with your set breakfast. Gora Kadan is a palace of choice in a land of dictators.
Like drinking a dehydrated cat’s urine
I feel I’m a fair man, so will give credit where credits due. Gora Kadan is awful, yet they excel at it.
- Their website states: “The Hotel guests can use it both before check in and after check-out.”, yet we were told several times by different staff that we had to be gone by 11am.
- After 11am I was trying to organise going back to Tokyo and it felt that at every available opportunity we were reminded to kindly take our business elsewhere.
- Everyone is allocated a butler as part of their stay, but for some reason they didn’t feel the need to come say goodbye to us
- I assumed from the fact that no car would come and pick us up from the train station that it truly was a 30 second walk, but it in fact took just over 5 minutes to get there. Wars and have been fought and won in slightly more time. Strangely they did have a car take us back to the train station when we left – probably cos they were desperate for us to leave.
- You must say Three Hail Marys every 15 minutes whilst staying here.
- We were due to visit Ginyu Hakone after leaving Gora Kadan, but our experience was so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Would you volunteer to be experimented on? So whilst awake and contemplating peaceful thoughts, like hoping I would be attacked by some wolves, I called AMEX to call Ginyu Hakone. This being too late in the day to do so, I gleefully accepted the cancelation fee and headed back to Tokyo, where they believe in things like fresh water, privacy and beds.
- We were only there 18 hours.
- We were there 18 hours.
- They’re very keen on you leaving as early as possible. For this I thank them.
I wish I was never born.
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